The Fly Whisperer

When the weather thaws and the sun warms the earth, the insects emerge again. Soon, the children are spending their days in the yard, digging, chasing bugs, playing with the neighbors. They come in and out, getting drinks, toys, popsicles. Rarely does the door shut behind them. Soon, there is a colony of flies zooming around the house.
One day I ask, "Son, where's the fly swatter?"
He responds, ""Wha swysatter?"
"It's the stick with a floppy square at the top you hit flies with."
"Oh, I no catch like that." he says.
So true. In our house, there are two kinds of flyswatters, the regular kind you buy at the store, and the human flyswatters. You might think the traditional flyswatter is more effective, but if your flyswatter looks like this,
you might prefer the human kind.
I'd like to introduce you to the Fly Whisperer. You've all heard of the Horse Whisperer and the Dog Whisperer, but I bet you've never heard of the Fly Whisperer. Since he was two, going on three, he's been catching flies. We can't explain how. Both he and his brother love bugs, hunt them down all over the yard, overturning rocks and stepping stones, digging and catching them with nets and cups. There is no fear. They love dragging them into the house to share their room for a while. They love books about all kinds of insects. But, how did the Fly Whisperer learn his trade? I don't know. Instinct, maybe?
His dad believes he hypnotizes them. "See how he follows them with his eyes? He watches and waits closely until the fly stops within reach, then he snatches it before it knew what was coming. Why doesn't the fly just fly away like it would with the rest of us?" He hypnotizes them with his eyes while they buzz around." Who knows?
Then his impy brother learned his trade. Once a fly he was holding by the leg broke loose, leaving the leg behind. That was all it took to start the fly circus. He thought of clipping their wings so all they could do is run around in his hand. Mom did not approve. She has visions of B-movie over-sized flies seeking their revenge. (Mom also wants little fly whisperers to wash their hands!)
So, If you're a fly in my house, for your sake, I hope the original fly whisperer catches you and takes you outside. If you're a human mom trying to get rid of flies, sorry, the Fly Whisperer is mine!

Oh, Great!

I was dreaming that the floor was a mess, crumbs and things strewn all over. (It was a very realistic dream.) I was trying so desperately hard to find the broom and dustpan so that I could clean it up but someone or something kept interrupting my search. It was so true to life, it was annoying. Not only do I have to live through this in my waking hours, I had to deal with it while I slept. Finally, for the umpteenth time, I turned to search for the broom. Suddenly, I woke up. Now that messy floor is forever trapped somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind where I will never be able to access it and clean it. It will always be a wreck. ARG! (Any dream analysts out there?)

Technorati Tags: dreams,floors

The Suspense is Over

Ok, Ok, I won't keep scaring you, I did survive the walk. Honestly, it is a walk most people could do, as long as you don't have to keep leaving the path to chase kids out of the pond and the playground and past the aviary. It's a very pretty park. That walk would've taken 5 times as long with all my kids so luckily, I went with my sister! She was very well behaved. We saw a guy who couldn't use his feet anymore and was wheelchair bound get up and walk after some stem cell treatment he had recently. That is exciting! 90% of Lupus patients are women. This is what happens to the other 10%

Just kidding! These clowns were just trying to liven up the party. My pictures came out with lots of shadows and pretty scary shots of me, so I'll refer you for some pics of us and some good info on lupus to my sister Amy's blog. I'm so out of shape, I realized when I used my parent's scale and found out I'm 10-12 pounds overweight. I know, that's nothing, I will step on my foot now, Michelle. Then after the walk on Saturday, I bent over to pick up a pamphlet and felt stiff and sore when I went to stand up. Probably has something to do with gardening earlier in the week, but a lady we were talking to asked me if I had lupus too. That was it; I better do something about this. While I was busy wearing exercise gear and hoping to burst into spontaneous exercise, the stretchy sweats allowed my mid section to expand which makes my jeans uncomfortable so maybe I'm going to have to start wearing the jeans instead to remind me to exercise.

Anyhow, it was a lot of fun and informative too! We think the whole family should join us next year. Between my sister and I we have earned $280 for the cause and you can still donate over the next few months! It's so easy, just click on the donate button. I think that if everyone who heard of any cause even donated one dollar, we could do so much more. Speaking of causes, don't forget the people in Myanmar and China right now, they could use a dollar or two. not to mention a prayer or two. That's all for now, it's back to work for me.

Utahns Anonymous: Allergic to Utah?

I was really excited when I went to the local health food store and looked in the seasonal allergies section to find some homeopathic drops against UTAH.  Yes, Utah drops.  To build up your resistance against Utah.  Brilliant.  I didn't need a sales pitch, I got them. Just had to pass that on to all the members of Utahns Anonymous.

I also got this funny thing called a neti pot because now they have plastic ones, and ceramics and my children don't mix well.  What, may you ask, is a neti pot?  Some thing from India, or so they say.  I didn't really research it, like the Swedish weight loss stuff on the radio that is obviously fake because everyone in Sweden is not svelt, I only needed to research my brain on that one, plus there are plenty of Utahns of Swedish ancestry and they are not all skinny either.  Plus, the chick doing the commercial had the worst ever fake Swedish accent I have ever heard. 

Which brings us back to neti pots. I was so busy researching the un Swedishness of the commercial that I didn't have time to research the neti pots. Whether or not they are really from India, they are little pots that look something like a genie's lamp. You fill them with saline water and then you irrigate your nostrils with it.  Sounds crazy, but if you are allergic to say Utah (or technically all the pollen in the Utah air) and you still want to have a garden, then the best medical advice I ever got is once you finish outside, you take a shower (inside) and wash your hair and irrigate your nostrils and then put on fresh un pollinated clothing and you will be surprised how much better your allergies are.  Since I didn't have a neti pot before, I just had to snort water, which makes you feel like you've been down a nasty waterslide or something, so this is much nicer.  Weird as all get out, but nicer.

I am a little shocked, but pleased that I still have a shred of pride left and I will not be making a home video of this to put up on youtube.  Papi finds it pretty funny though.  If you hold your head just so, you will perform a magic trick.  As you pour the water into one nostril, it ever so gently pours out the other nostril and you don't feel like someone shot the garden hose up your nose either.  This worked really well on the first side I tried, but then on the second side, it never dripped out the other nostril.  I was getting a little concerned that maybe I had a bean up my nose (that's for my mom) but it wasn't coming back out or building up there, so it was obviously going somewhere,  or else, gasp! What everyone else already suspected, I have a hole in my head.  Whatever hole it went into, it eventually drained into my Eustachian tubes and now 5 days later I don't hear any banging around in there any more.  I also figured out how to get it to drain out of the right place and my brain feels cleaner already.  So clean, that I will never, ever, ever become a Utahn no matter how long I live here.  And I'm not sneezing hardly at all! 

Random Update

When we last left our heroine, she was picking up the pieces of her trampoline. Monday she thought she knew what she was going to do, but her husband had decided to rip up all the floors in the main living area of the house and she was obliged to participate in this dusty, scratchy, blistering, sticky task instead of paying the bills and working in the garden. Nothing important... Actually, the heroine paid the bills instead of going to bed and then felt like blogging. I'm not sure what is wrong with her. Now we are left wondering how long it will be before the new floor goes down. Will the sticky floors get covered in kids' crumbs and stop sticking to everyone's feet first? Stay tuned...

Is anyone else perturbed by the name of these stickers? Who is running this sticker company anyways, a bunch of 10 year olds? WAY retro? Buddy, you don't understand the meaning of the word...

I'm so sorry that food prices are going up and that Costco is rationing it's rice and all. It's just because someone found out I recently started replacing my depleted food storage. Really, I'm sorry I did that to you. I have a program that calculates how much you need to store of different items if you want a supply for 3 months or a year or whatever. Supposedly, 12 containers of dental floss will last a year. They didn't calculate in other variables like this: ( I don't think you can see it, but the floss goes all over and makes it difficult to open the toilet lid on it's way to the bathtub and back over to the door.)

Next we move on to Enigma and the Prom tale. First, she was invited to prom by a cute boy, with curly hair, and a curly past, and even though it wasn't potential boy, who was not really dating her but they were not exactly not an item, he would be a fun person to accompany to the dance. Then Enigma dragged me with all 4 boys, MY boys that is, in to a tailor to get her dress fixed for this dance(the one that we safety pinned in place after ringing it up on her body 10 minutes before going to homecoming). Next, a few weeks later, it turns out that cute boy can't go after all, his parents are dragging him out of town. Meanwhile, potential boy, who was going to be out of town with his parents, ended up not having to be out of town, so a friend of Enigma's went to work on him to convince him to have the guts to ask you know who to Prom. Long story short, he didn't have the guts. He did have the guts for something else, but I will leave that story to Enigma. In any case, it turned out to not be a bad thing because Enigma got sick and spent the whole freaking weekend with Mr. Tidy bowl instead. SO, the potential boy story has had so many twists and turns, no one can keep track of it but at this second, he is toast because he's jealous of old flame who wants to be new flame. * Sorry, it took more than a second to post, so now everything's cool again. For the moment. Oh, and Enigma got a new job at a clothing store. She has even thanked me for all the millions of clothes I have folded over the years. She loves the people and the ambience there so far. Oh, and Enigma also tried out for cheerleader at the last minute and even though she's never done tumbling in her life, (because she wanted to quit gymnastics after 1 1/2 months of the lessons that she bugged me for when she was 6 and I was so mean, I made her finish the second month I already paid for before she could quit), and even though she was up against all the girls that have been cheerleaders on the younger teams all through the years and mega gymnasts from all grades and all she could be on was Varsity since she's a senior next year, she made alternate, which means that she did an excellent job and proved to herself she could do it. The nice part about this is mom doesn't have to dish out any money for it and Enigma doesn't have to get up and go to practices at 6 am all summer. The bummer is, mom had to spend an hour or so helping her see the good side of this, and she does miss out on a lot of fun. Unless somebody quits. So, she's still planning on going to beauty school but is starting to think that maybe it would be a good idea to finish all her high school classes first and save some money and grow up some more and not be the youngest one there and be a top dog senior at high school instead. This means she can't flee the state the minute she graduates, but free room and board while going to beauty school is starting to look good enough that she's ok with that. Enigma had her MRI, and she didn't freak out. The drugs must be good because she actually liked it. Imagine that. Turns out, her pituitary gland is overgrown so they are going to keep an eye on that.

On to the next kid...Carino had his birthday. At home we celebrated by ripping up the floor. What a trooper. They had a pinata at school. I furnished 3 of these, some made with my own bare hands. His class did theirs earlier but Gigio's class did theirs at the end of class and Enigma took them out early while I was working in order to not miss an appointment to get her hair cut so now Gigio is going to have PTSD about pinatas, just like Enigma ever since her 5th birthday. They will never recover until I make them their own personal pinata.

Carino and Gigio participated in a massive human singing flag program called "Hope of America." You have to click on that link to see it because it wasn't at my house, so obviously, my camera wasn't there. When 7000 school kids participate, do you know how many cars are all trying to be there at the same time? The traffic was so fun. Enigma and Papi were working so I got to sit through it with the Things. I could have lived without the late start and the too long pre show, but the show itself is pretty cool actually. If you're not in the company of two six year olds, that is.

The Things got a jungle gym circa their birthday, before the tramp incident. Their dad got it so that I wouldn't bother to throw a party he would miss and I would give him a guilt trip over. So the boys drag all the blankets out and cover it to turn it into some kind of igloo or something. On the upside, I think we missed the traditional basement flooding, even though the tramp burning wasn't much better. Maybe we should just call it the Annual Un-Natural Disaster and try to cancel it next year. Ever since the Things turned 6, every day Thing 2 reminds me that they are still six. It is going to be a v.e.r.y. l.o.n.g. year. The nice part of this is, at least he knows how old he is and he cares because any talk of turning 5 last year he just met with a blank stare. That growth makes me so happy, I will listen to him tell me every day that he is still 6. At school I learned the other day that he is a little confused that the paper they had with D words on it didn't have the exact same words that are on the d page on his computer. They had the nerve to leave out the dinosaur, among other things. That explained why when I asked him about the different pictures on his paper he said the picture of a door was a dinosaur. I disagreed and told him I thought it was a door. He said that there is a dinosaur when you open the door.

I bet you think I'm done, but there are more kids around here. We have next door neighbors again after a huge break. The new kids just jumped in and started playing with mine and sometimes they just get all mixed up in the shuffle around here. The Things started out hesitant but now enjoy playing with the 4 year old girl next door. She likes to cook with me and help me in the garden too. Enigma always says she's annoying. I finally asked what was so annoying about her and she said, she looks like "Dora the Explorer" and I hate that Dora! A girl after Burgh Baby's Mom's heart. I laughed. I'm just thrilled she's not like Barney. Now there's an
annoying children's show character. Speaking of children's shows, why doesn't Caillou have hair? As for other extended family members who are not cartoon characters, I'm so excited my sister's house finally got an offer and she has an offer accepted on a new house! I'm glad and slightly jealous that my parents got to visit a ton of relatives in Arizona but sad it was for my uncle's funeral. I know he was ready to go, but it doesn't make it any easier for everyone he left behind. I'm also hope hope hoping that our family fast will help my cousin's recovery from a car accident in a positive way and that soon he can get back into something more entertaining than recovering and rehabilitating.

That's all for now, stay tuned for an update on Utahns Anonymous, more scarred for life tales and the question on all your minds, or at least mine, will Shellie survive the Walk for Lupus this weekend or is she too out of shape? That and other burning questions will be found right here should I indeed survive.

Special Needs Mom

I was standing in a huge line at a viewing, holding my little 18 month old boy, while my two year old ran around my periphery. A lady just ahead of me looked back and made eye contact with the child wriggling in my arms. He smiled and charmed the socks off her. She said to me, "I have a special needs child too, she has Downs Syndrome." Then she turned back and started talking to someone else ahead of me. All I had responded was a nod. I had never, ever once thought of my son as a special needs child. I mean, granted, he did have some extra challenges and needs that other children don't have, but that label, "special needs"? I was dumbfounded. I couldn't have been more surprised if she had turned around and thrown a pie in my face. That kind of label had never entered my consciousness.
Cariño was born with hemifacial microsomia or Goldenhar's syndrome. This is a fancy way of saying, the blood supply was cut off to one part of his face as a fetus, so one side of his face is smaller than the other. He has no ear on the right side, just a tag like an earlobe. He didn't have the upper part of the jaw on that side and his cheekbone and muscles are underdeveloped. Even his one nostril and eye are smaller. He was also born with a cleft on one side of his mouth, so he had to go about feeding a little differently. He has had somewhat significant delays in his speech/ language development and processing as well as some sensory issues and attentional deficits. Other than that, he has developed amazingly, is very happy and easy going, extremely social and busy. He is truly a natural athlete and quite handsome and bright. He's just a normal, albeit exceptionally sweet, boy.
Up to that point, I had heard a lot of "He's so lucky to have you" when people asked about his features and learned of his journey to join our family through adoption. I still hear that today. I know people mean well when they say things like that, so I don't take offense at them personally, but that idea kind of makes my blood boil. I want to just blurt out, "NO! You've got it all backwards, WE are lucky to have HIM!" Why can't people see he isn't some pitiful soul who needs our mercy? It's more like he's the enormous blessing we didn't even deserve. So that special needs thing? Yeah, I am a special needs mom because I especially needed him.

The Demise...

I'm like seriously overdue for a post and even more overdue for a random list of updates on our home, but THIS is the big story. I'm so sad...I'm not sure I can live without this little friend of mine...today we "buried" the trampoline. (OK, buried in a garbage.) Technically, it's skeleton is still on exhibit in the back yard, too.
First, I took down the totally useless netting that was hanging all over the trampoline itself, waiting to catch someone and propel them off the thing. Next, I removed the shreds of the outer lining of the padding that used to encompass the ring of springs, but was dismantled by little engineers or doctors in training who have to see the guts of everything. What I didn't do was remove the foam that goes on all the enclosure poles since they were removed and shredded into monkey tails oh so many moons ago. Then I watched kids start to swing around the now exposed poles and even bend one out of shape. I forbid them to do it, so they only do it every time my back is turned. So, then I spent too much time on the internet searching for the correct replacement parts at an affordable price. Finally, after much deliberation and consultation, I placed an order late Friday afternoon. I cringed but I did it because, A) I got a tax refund and B) I want everyone to be safe. I knew most of this stuff needed to be replaced a long time ago, but what was the point if they were just going to shred it and use it for mulch? Now that everyone at least speaks and understands, I figured I could threaten them with their lives if they damaged anything. Most likely they would ignore me, but after popping off a few of them, I mean, giving them consequences, I figured they'd behave.
Fast forward to Sunday afternoon, when I go out to see the boys on the tramp and discover that the mat is full of holes. Twenty-six holes to be precise. A few of these holes are big enough to get a big toe stuck in. Arg! I had a heart attack and died. They just threw me in the trash with the mat. (Just kidding) I started into CSI mode. It didn't take long though, because there was an informant present who was ready to squeal on his mates. "The Things burned it with the magnifying glasses from the bug catching kits. Great! They just lost their 2 favorite things; the tramp and the bug catchers.
I don't know how I missed the signs that this was coming. Gotta stop being so easily distracted. First of all, red flag #1: I spent money replacing all the tramp accessories. You know that's dangerous. Second, a few weeks ago we had a Sunday School lesson, and don't ask me how this fit into the scripture we were studying, but the teacher mentioned something about a big huge magnifying glass at the Smithsonian that if you take it outside and the sun hits it, whatever it magnifies gets melted. Seriously, everything known to man, nothing is safe! And I remember thinking that you could probably destroy the world with that, and good thing my kids didn't have access to it and all. Did the little alarms go off when the Things got the bug kits? Oh, no! I'm too dense for that!
When oh when will I be able to listen to that still, small voice, guys?
So, very quickly, so quickly, I didn't even write another classic letter, I sent an email message to the tramp company that I needed to cancel my order because I no longer had anything to enclose: the tramp went up in smoke. I could have spent another $100 replacing the mat, but then once I added it all up, I could probably get a new tramp and enclosure for not much more. Papi adamantly insisted that their trampoline days are over since they respect nothing. I really can't bring myself to waste the extra money or reward their deed with a new tramp, so... we are trampless. I'm not sure how we will survive. I thought of sending them to any and all neighbors with tramps to play, but seriously who will let them in their yard when they hear how our tramp died?
I finally contacted the tramp people again on Monday to make sure they got my message and of course they hadn't but they think maybe they got the message to the truck that had just gone out with half of the order to not send my stuff any further. What are the odds that I won't get a big package soon? I'm so bummed for me and my kids. The first thing Enigma said was, "Now what do I do with them when I have to babysit?" Is this how God feels when He can't give us what we need and want because He just can't, as much as He'd like to? If only we were more responsible with what He gives us.
SO, hopefully we all learned something from this. The boys all got a big lecture about every angle of this thing, so they don't do anything like it again, while I had to keep pulling a very impish Thing 2 off the tramp to try to impress upon him the seriousness of the situation.
I learned things could have been worse: Thing 1 told me Thing 2 was also chasing him and trying to burn his hair. Maybe that explains why he has a hair horn on one side a lot lately?
There it is, the whole scoop. Sniff!