Monday, September 24, 2007

Baby Advice

Congratulations Jill and Parry on the birth of Micah! What a cutie. You are the lucky new owners of a onesie that says Born in 2007, because it might be my last chance to give it away. The other one grew out of it before I could give it to him.

For all first time parents, here’s some free advice you never asked for, (get used to it, you will get a lot. Of course, my advice is best :)):

1. If your child’s first word is dangerous, it is not a good sign. Start praying.

2. No matter what, from now on don’t forget to pray.

3. When your child cuts his chin open, just stick crazy glue on it and hold it in place with a butterfly bandage. You can buy them both at K-mart if you’re there to get something else instead. But if you make a special trip, they will be out. So get them ahead of time while you’re looking for something else that’s not there that you really needed THAT day. (Like a while back, K-Mart was bankrupt, and I was thinking, DUH! If they’d just change their strategy to keeping things stocked! I’d never bother with them, but they’re closest to my house.) Anyhow, if you don’t do this in advance, try someplace like Rite Aid instead.

I cannot take medical responsibility for this technique but check this out:


Now chew on this one; The first time I tried the old fashioned way, we spent a lifetime in the ER after which they started suturing and then had to stop and get more thread and suture some more while my kid nearly brought the walls down with his screams and then within less than 24 hours he had picked them all out. The Dr. thought it was best to put them back in, so we went back into the ER for another interminable wait and then the Dr. decided rather than stitch it again (there were still echoes) to put a special glue, (“like super glue” i.e. the technical name for it instead), on it and bandage over that twice. The bandage was supposed to stick onto the glue. He had it all off by the time we got home.

You choose. Of course if it’s a dog bite, you probably need it professionally cleaned out first and most people still prefer stitches, but at least if it’s office hours (doubtful) many pediatric offices are set up to do stitches now.

4. It’s really amazing, but green cabbage leaves applied to the site that is bothering you truly do help mastitis. Honestly!

5. Make your own baby food. It’s cheaper and fresher. You can freeze it in ice cube trays, then keep it in zip locks for about 2 weeks. That is if the baby doesn’t eat it all sooner.

6. Don’t make big plans anymore, just try to brush your teeth every day, shower before you stink, and enjoy him. One day you will have a life again to do what you want with. And if you die first, what could have been more important to do first, be a parent, or _______fill in the blank with anything else.

7. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Really! This is your last chance, because next time you have a baby, you won’t be able to.

8. Don’t turn your back on ____________ (most substances, especially liquid ones) with a toddler in the room.

9. Take lots of pictures. Someday he will be a teenager, and these pictures will make you cry. They might just save his life some days too, when you can remember who he used to be and decide to wait to see how he ends up in a few more years.

10. Consistency is always the best policy, except that you have to be consistently consistent and that is difficult, especially if it’s not in your nature. But try to be consistent as often as you can as long as you remember that once you are outnumbered that might get to be impossible. Never give up on this principle even when it is impossible; somewhat consistent is better than nothing.

11. Did I say don’t forget to pray? And don’t forget to sleep or eat. Don’t forget your spouse. Don’t forget your name. Don’t forget to pay the bills or put gas in the car. Don’t forget the important stuff. Forget the rest, you will anyways.

12. Learn to childproof your home. Take Childproofing 101 the definitive class for parents, by yours truly.


Box up everything breakable or of value that you don’t need to use every day. Lock it away in a shed somewhere before your child can scoot.

The less carpet in your house, the better. Trust me. Just do the best you can with this, you may not be able to get rid of it.

Now, all the things you need but your baby does not, i.e. the Comet, dishsoap, your keys, sharp objects, garbage cans, etc. need to be kept locked up.

You only need two childproofing products. Believe me, I have tried them all. Here they are:

Keep things locked behind these and with constant vigilance, you just might all survive. Just remember that if knives, scissors and other sharp objects aren’t stored behind one of these plastic things, they can cut through them.

You don’t need electrical socket plugs. If people would stop manufacturing those things, the savings in carbon emissions would end global warming. If people didn’t waste their money on them, they could probably start a college fund on what they save. They only draw your child to the socket so they can pull the things out. Then they think they need to put something back in its place. It will not be the socket cover. I wasted my money on some other covers that you had to push in two buttons while pulling it out. They loved the challenge. It kept them busy slightly longer than the originals. As long as you don’t expose the plug to the oven or something like that, you will be fine. 110 volts will not kill you. If you don’t believe me, read my post on Family Heirlooms.

Do not buy toilet locks either. We did that with our first, and everyone who visited and used our bathroom couldn’t figure out how to get the thing open to use the toilet. When they would come out in chagrin to ask us how, my helpful toddler would say, “Oh, I know how, let me show you,” and go open it for them. So we got rid of it. If you need to keep the baby out of the toilet, put the other lock on the outside of the bathroom; high enough up that the baby can’t reach or you will be so sorry. And don’t forget to lock the broom up behind closed doors.

As for the stove, just take all the knobs off and lock them up. It might be a pain, but it beats having your kitchen burned down. Ask my neighbor.

Don’t iron. Just get rid of wrinkly clothes and get mixed fibers that dry without wrinkling.

That’s the basics. Good luck!


Candace Salima (LDS Nora Roberts) said...

That was so funny and yet so true. You win my blog spotlight of the week!

Anna Maria Junus said...

Love this post. I wish someone had told me this twenty years ago when I started having babies.

La folle maman said...

Great post. Some really good advice in here. Although, I'm a little saddened by the comment about the plug covers. We, too, replaced the regular plug covers with the ones where you push in the sides and the top. I can't believe he's going to figure it out eventually! Ugh. What a waste of money! But at least you've reassured me that no serious harm will come of it.