Another crazy letter

D.1 has turned into a sneak. He took J.'s cell phone and hid it under a blanket and covered it with his hands, I knew it was there but when I went to go get it, he pointed the other way and yelled BOW WOW!, as if the dog needed me desperately. Both babies gasp this big loud gasp when someone is doing something they shouldn't and point. Then the other day I was trying to sort out bills and stuff on my bed so I wouldn't let the boys on it. D.1 went to his room then came back acting like something was urgent and tugged on me to "come" with him, so I follow him to his room, he looks around then runs for my room and climbs on my bed right where I was sitting. Sneaky! Want to know how to get those annoying bill collectors out of your hair? Write them a letter they'll never forget. I did and I got a statement of 0 balance back just 4 days later! J. thought the whole thing was hilarious. Here's the letter:

11/04

To Whom It May Concern:

Today I received a bill from you for services I already paid for last May. Actually today is now technically yesterday, but I'm still up. You threatened to send me to collections but you already did that back in September. I had to waste a lot of time looking through old statements to find my payment and call the collection agency and then fax them my proof of payment at which time they supposedly passed that information on to you. Since I have already paid you, I refuse to do so again. Furthermore, if I get billed again, I will start charging you for the time I spend babysitting your billing services, since while I rummage through papers to find my proof once again, someone is likely to get his eye poked out and end up in the E.R. and the whole vicious cycle will begin again. Seeing as how this all got started by me simply trying to use my bathroom alone for at least once in 2004, and when I found myself not alone, I sent my son out of the bathroom and told him to shut the door behind him. When he did it, which was so uncharacteristically obedient for him, he unfortunately shut it on his little brother's finger, smashing it to smithereens (and I still haven't gotten to use my bathroom alone yet that I can remember, and the year is soon coming to a close). I’m so grateful the doctor could save the little finger, but it is very irritating to waste my lack of time correcting other people's clerical errors. Therefore, I don't bill cheaply for my services; they cost about what it would cost you to return my breasts to their original condition before some 5 years of nursing, which I certainly would otherwise not be able to afford until the rest of my body is in such sad shape it wouldn't match at all. Hopefully all this raving will irritate you enough that you will fix your billing problems and I will never have to get an errant bill from you again. I thank you in advance for your attention to this matter. Sincerely,

Shellie Espinoza

Please see enclosures -copy of credit card statement, collections bill and fax confirmation.