I'm at the self check out line, when the screen says to wait for assistance from the cashier. I just ignore it, or push whatever button will let me keep on going and continue ringing myself up. I know the machine has just detected that I have no children with me to sabotage me today. It feels personally responsible for trying to make up for their absence. I try to avoid these encounters as these machines are out to get me, but sometimes it's inevitable. I used to avoid the auto cashier completely. I have my reasons. I'm not a total techno-idiot like you're thinking and I am not paranoid. It's simple post traumatic stress disorder. Plus, technology likes to vomit in my face. I have bad Karma that way.
The first time I ever saw a self check out was at a K-Mart in 2002. I should have been suspicious, it being K-Mart and all. However my judgment was impaired by the fact that I was with my children, then ages 11, 3, 3, 4 months and 4 months. I know what you are thinking. Haven't I heard of family planning? Sure, it just means something different in Utah. People with these demographics in their home don't get enough sleep, and they do not enjoy shopping alone with children, especially at K-Mart. They are capable of giving up their birthright to get out of that place quick. There were lines of people waiting for the cashiers, but, "AHHHH!" (Heavenly chorus) there was an aura around a new and unusual thing called the self check out. And there was NO LINE! Remember that advice your mom gave you that went something along the lines of, "If it looks too good to be true, it probably is"? Don't forget that advice. Alarms should have gone off in my brain when I realized there was no one using the thing, but my brain was numb from an hour of multitasking "find it in K-Mart" with screaming, squirmy child wrestling.
So, we navigated towards this novelty. Eventually, we got there, all 6 of us and our two carts. We hadn't picked up all that much, but there were 4 boys to fit in too. Hmmm. I took in the whole setup. Here we had my own little bar scanner and screen over it, and racks with plastic bags to bag my own items on a counter to the right. The instructions were pretty simple and straightforward. I'd been a cashier before, so how hard could this be? I ran the first item over the glass. Beep! I put it in the bag. At this point the natives had gotten over the novelty of the new check out and they started getting restless. One 3 year old, we'll call him Houdini, starts trying to escape the confines of the cart. I reach over to put the boy back in the cart while trying to ring up item number two. But now three year old number two, we'll call him Rambo, had started climbing out the other end. I implore the 11 year old, whom we'll call Lucy, to handle Rambo. Beep! Two items in the bag. The 4 month old boys have gotten sick of sitting in the same spot and they start to howl-in two separate keys. I start to rock the cart. Houdini escapes again and goes running away, towards the quarter candy machines. Eleven year old runs after him, loudly threatening him with his life. I grab item number 3, while trying to rock the cart with my foot. I ring it up. I go to put it in the bag. Rambo is standing on the counter, straddling the rack that the bag is attached to. I put down the item on the scanner and grab the boy to put him down. The screen is flashing all over the place, telling me to get assistance. Yeah, I could use some assistance. The babies are wailing, and everyone in the vicinity is staring. Houdini runs laughing by, Lucy in hot pursuit. I try to clear the machine and bag my item. Rambo is climbing up again. I set him to rocking the cart, then try again.
Mercifully, a clerk comes to assist at this point. She tries to clear the screen, but it won't work. Then we discover that Rambo and Houdini, who recently returned are hanging on the bag racks. The clerk explains that the counter detects the weight when you bag the items to make sure you don't bag things you haven't rung up. So, the kids can't even touch that area, or it will not work. Now, that might have been helpful to know before I started this escapade! Of course, I didn't have the common sense to give up and go get in a line, I just toss the three year olds back into the cart and ask the eleven year old to keep them there. Except she is humiliated at the scene we are making and she has gone off to hide somewhere. I continue alone, secretly plotting to leave her there. At this point, we are the K-Mart side show and everyone is watching. There is even a second worker, who seems to have nothing else better to do, leaning against the counter across the aisle from me, snickering. Clerk number one sees I need help, so she offers to hold a baby. I tell her she can try. Baby, however most definitely does not want to be held, so he starts howling even louder and kicking her. Meanwhile, Rambo is biting Houdini and he starts to cry. I grab Houdini, quickly threaten, I mean, chastise Rambo, and start ringing up the next item. Flashing lights again. Rambo has escaped and is sitting on the counter. I pull Rambo off. Lucy shows up, with some teen magazine in hand, wondering if I will buy it. No, I will not! Would she like to hold a baby, or live at K-Mart? Sulkily, she puts the magazine on the counter and picks up a baby. Another alert! Unauthorized item in bagging area! Grrrr! Nice clerk helps clear it. Baby in her arms is purple with rage, so she puts him back in his carrier. Obnoxious employee on the sidelines is guffawing.
I ring up another item. Now I need to use another bag, but the next rack over has a set of bags that seem to have been permanently glued together. After pawing at it the best I can, I put down Houdini and manage to pry some apart, after wrestling the massive clump and ripping a few bags. Now I bag the item, but Houdini has gotten onto the counter. Nice clerk clears the screen again, and goes back to trying to get the baby 2's attention and distract him. I grab Rambo seconds before he reaches the bags again and plunk him back in the cart. Save! I quick like ring up another item and get it in the bag. Lucy is whining that baby is drooling on her arm, Rambo is yelling because he doesn't want to be in the cart, Houdini has run off again and baby number two is still testing his lung capacity. Several people over at the regular check out line are staring, mouths agape. Obnoxious employee is laughing so hard, she is crying. "I'm only too happy to provide your comic relief for the day," I think, glaring at her. She doesn't get the hint. Nice clerk is giving up for the second time at calming a baby. "I'm sorry," the nice clerk is saying, " I wish I could help more, but the babies don't seem to want to let me hold them. " That's alright. What if she just rang up the remaining items? Um, except it's a self check out and she's not supposed to do that. Nice, but not too bright. After bugging my eyes at her in disbelief for a sec, and only getting a blank stare in return, I decide the fastest thing is to just move on. I quickly ring up the remaining items, stuffing them all into the same bag in order to avoid more complications. Meanwhile, I toss Houdini out of the way approximately 5 times. I grab the bag and go to put it in the cart. It breaks. Nice clerk scrambles to help me pick it up.
I choose to pay with a debit card. The computer won't take my pin. My eardrums have ruptured from the chorus of my progeny and I feel like I'm in a tunnel. Everything around the screen is blurry. I send Lucy to find Houdini. The clerk tells me how to clear it and try again. No luck. We key in the card and pin. This time it takes, just as Lucy shows up with Houdini. "Run for the exit!" I hiss as I grab my receipt and push my howling boom box of a cart full of children out the door. The obnoxious clerk is pulling herself up off the floor so she can go waste time somewhere else. I silently bless her with quadruplets. Mercifully, the door alarm doesn't sound and we make it to the car alive. I was so shell shocked I never went near another self check out for four more years. Can you blame me?
Showing posts with label Blast from the Past. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blast from the Past. Show all posts
Monday, January 5, 2009
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Scarred 4 Life
One day my mom asked, "Did you hear about the 3 year old found walking his dog at 3 am along the avenues?" Why, yes! I had seen that on the news. "I thought of you," she said. While the people interviewed on the street may have ragged on those parents, I didn't. Plus, what were those unthinking critics uh, thinking? I felt like asking them "How many of you are awake at 3 am supervising your children to make sure they're still asleep? " As a matter of fact, if your kids stay in bed all night, and LET you sleep, I'd consider yourself lucky. Here's my story:
As best I recollect, it was about May or June of 2003. Papi had just recently acquired a huge quick set pool. Carino was a fish in the water, but it made me a little nervous having a pool with such small children. The Things were just one year old, Carino was just 4, Gigio was 4 and Enigma was almost 13.
So, Papi was working at night and I was so burnt out(don't ask me why, ha ha) and the children were not at all tired. I just didn't have the energy to put them all to bed so, I ended up with all of them on my bed watching a video with the lights off in hopes of inspiring them to doze off into dreamland. No such luck. I was the only one dozing off. When the movie ended, I sent them to the other room with a boob tube and another riveting video along with blankets, pillows, lights out, etc. Often a nice camp out with the siblings will bring on some zzzz's, right? In any case, they were much more likely to stay put and not get in much trouble that way. It was now about 10:30. they probably wouldn't finish the movie. Any pediatrician will now chew me out for not putting them in their beds, without a TV set, but I was absolutely dying from sleep deprivation. I would have to be a model parent another night.
I went back to bed and collapsed. That was all I remembered. Then next thing I knew, the doorbell was ringing and I shot out of bed to get the door. Occasionally my husband will forget the key to the house and have to ring the doorbell to get in. I unlock the door, expecting my dear mate of course, and I am shocked to see, upon opening the door...Carino, bawling his little eyes out. My first thought is how rude of his siblings to lock him out, probably over some squabble. I pick him up and hug him and comfort him while asking him how he got out there. He wasn't extremely verbal at this point so the description was cryptic and chopped, punctuated by sobs. I carry him to the other room to start the big inquisition with the siblings, ready to put someone on the racks for this one, but everyone is fast asleep. I look at the clock as the fog starts to clear from my brain. It's nearly a quarter to one a.m. So how did Carino get outside and then lock himself out? I was mystified. Then I discovered a side door unlocked and a chair next to it. Hmmm. Once he got outside this door, there was a step down, so he probably couldn't get back in. I'm glad he eventually thought to go to the front door. He was probably terrified alone in the dark like that.
I put him to bed and soon got him to sleep, but now the sleep was completely gone from my eyes. My mind was going in a million directions. I was thinking of the stories of kids who get out at night in the winter and freeze to death. Thank goodness it was summer. What if it hadn't been? What if he hadn't found the door in the blizzard howling outside? What if he had just curled up on the doorstep to be found frozen like a popsicle the next morning? My teeth started chattering. Out of fear.
What if he had wandered off, or decided to go play at friend's house, or some creepy person were outside and saw him and took him away. What if there just happened to be a burglar looking for a great spot to hit? What would have become of my little boy? Why was he awake anyway? He's my sleeper. Put the guy in a dark room, he's gone in 10 minutes. Why was he so awake? Maybe he was turning into his siblings and was going to stop sleeping at night. Now THAT was a really scary thought!
Why did he even go outside? Oh my gosh! The pool! What if he had gone into the back yard and tried to climb into the pool and got in but then couldn't get out? Eventually he would fall asleep and drown. Now I'm having visions of his little body floating face down in the pool the next morning, when it was eternally too late!
I had to do something. I couldn't let any of these terrible things happen to him or any of the other kids. I started playing the piano. I know, great solution. Don't ask me why, I'm a terrible pianist. I'm not being modest either. Truly, I am a terrible pianist. So terrible that it is preferable to sing a capella in lieu of my accompaniments. I just didn't want to fall asleep until my husband got home.
He was the one with the huge look of confusion on his face when he walked in the door and heard my "music" and I jumped up from the piano bench and told him we had to put another set of latches at a greater height on each door to the outside, ASAP. He didn't do it that night, but he did do it within the next few days. To this day I still don't sleep as easily as before. Yep, I'm scarred for life. How about you?
As best I recollect, it was about May or June of 2003. Papi had just recently acquired a huge quick set pool. Carino was a fish in the water, but it made me a little nervous having a pool with such small children. The Things were just one year old, Carino was just 4, Gigio was 4 and Enigma was almost 13.
So, Papi was working at night and I was so burnt out(don't ask me why, ha ha) and the children were not at all tired. I just didn't have the energy to put them all to bed so, I ended up with all of them on my bed watching a video with the lights off in hopes of inspiring them to doze off into dreamland. No such luck. I was the only one dozing off. When the movie ended, I sent them to the other room with a boob tube and another riveting video along with blankets, pillows, lights out, etc. Often a nice camp out with the siblings will bring on some zzzz's, right? In any case, they were much more likely to stay put and not get in much trouble that way. It was now about 10:30. they probably wouldn't finish the movie. Any pediatrician will now chew me out for not putting them in their beds, without a TV set, but I was absolutely dying from sleep deprivation. I would have to be a model parent another night.
I went back to bed and collapsed. That was all I remembered. Then next thing I knew, the doorbell was ringing and I shot out of bed to get the door. Occasionally my husband will forget the key to the house and have to ring the doorbell to get in. I unlock the door, expecting my dear mate of course, and I am shocked to see, upon opening the door...Carino, bawling his little eyes out. My first thought is how rude of his siblings to lock him out, probably over some squabble. I pick him up and hug him and comfort him while asking him how he got out there. He wasn't extremely verbal at this point so the description was cryptic and chopped, punctuated by sobs. I carry him to the other room to start the big inquisition with the siblings, ready to put someone on the racks for this one, but everyone is fast asleep. I look at the clock as the fog starts to clear from my brain. It's nearly a quarter to one a.m. So how did Carino get outside and then lock himself out? I was mystified. Then I discovered a side door unlocked and a chair next to it. Hmmm. Once he got outside this door, there was a step down, so he probably couldn't get back in. I'm glad he eventually thought to go to the front door. He was probably terrified alone in the dark like that.
I put him to bed and soon got him to sleep, but now the sleep was completely gone from my eyes. My mind was going in a million directions. I was thinking of the stories of kids who get out at night in the winter and freeze to death. Thank goodness it was summer. What if it hadn't been? What if he hadn't found the door in the blizzard howling outside? What if he had just curled up on the doorstep to be found frozen like a popsicle the next morning? My teeth started chattering. Out of fear.
What if he had wandered off, or decided to go play at friend's house, or some creepy person were outside and saw him and took him away. What if there just happened to be a burglar looking for a great spot to hit? What would have become of my little boy? Why was he awake anyway? He's my sleeper. Put the guy in a dark room, he's gone in 10 minutes. Why was he so awake? Maybe he was turning into his siblings and was going to stop sleeping at night. Now THAT was a really scary thought!
Why did he even go outside? Oh my gosh! The pool! What if he had gone into the back yard and tried to climb into the pool and got in but then couldn't get out? Eventually he would fall asleep and drown. Now I'm having visions of his little body floating face down in the pool the next morning, when it was eternally too late!
I had to do something. I couldn't let any of these terrible things happen to him or any of the other kids. I started playing the piano. I know, great solution. Don't ask me why, I'm a terrible pianist. I'm not being modest either. Truly, I am a terrible pianist. So terrible that it is preferable to sing a capella in lieu of my accompaniments. I just didn't want to fall asleep until my husband got home.
He was the one with the huge look of confusion on his face when he walked in the door and heard my "music" and I jumped up from the piano bench and told him we had to put another set of latches at a greater height on each door to the outside, ASAP. He didn't do it that night, but he did do it within the next few days. To this day I still don't sleep as easily as before. Yep, I'm scarred for life. How about you?
Thursday, March 13, 2008
My life is really simple now.
It might not seem like it, but this is true. Positively relaxing. All I have to do is pull out the old e-mails and I can see it so clearly. Every week was positively crazy before. Here's a sample:
April 19, 2006:
(The week before this ended with us waiting to hear if Papi's MRI showed a tumor in his head or not.) We found out Monday that Papi didn't have a tumor. In May he will see a specialist to find out what it is instead. Monday I planned to work because it would probably be the only work day of the week. But Enigma slept in, so I got started late on everything, then the school called that Gigio was having problems and they needed me to come out. By the time he was settled down, the school day was practically over. Meanwhile the sitter had gotten a migraine and I was getting calls from doctors and Enigma had dance rehearsal every day of the week, so I gave up on work. Eventually the day ended and I had everyone to sleep and I could get ready for the next day. It was almost 2:30 am by then. We had to be at the hospital at 6 am the next morning for Carino's surgery. Carino was calm and happy going into everything and they started at 7:45 am. They said it would take about 5 hours. Turns out he had a lot of scar tissue and so they had a lot more work. They couldn't get everything aligned the way they wanted to and had to actually make a break in the other side of the jaw in order to get things set right. So it ended up taking 10 hours instead. He had to have a breathing tube and go to ICU. He was really swollen, but they had him sedated so he was basically paralyzed and wouldn't pull the tubes out. Late Thursday they reduced the meds so he would be conscious. By Friday morning he was restless and that afternoon they took the breathing tube out. He was moved to a regular room Saturday afternoon. Sunday he got an Easter basket and got to color eggs. Papi brought all the sibs up to stay with him for a while, then I took them back and Papi stayed. Later Sunday they had to stop his food because it was coming back up the stomach tube. Monday he was really sore and miserable. He still needed the stomach tube but it was irritating his throat. Tuesday afternoon he finally got the tube out and life got happy. He really perked up and after a few days he finally got home! We were thrilled! He is the bravest boy on the planet.
Now for what went down at home. I was up there most of the time, but came back home most nights. One night I was home, and Papi called because he was really sick so I had to go pile all the kids in the car and take them with me to go pick him up. Enigma was busy the whole week with rehearsals and then at the second concert, which I made it to, she seemed kind of out of it. After I got called to go back over the loudspeaker, she had gotten a really bad headache and was really dizzy. The costume was too tight and she was short of breath. She started freaking out. A nurse asked about what she'd consumed that day and said she was surely dehydrated. So she learned a thing or two. Once the concert was out of the way the whole tryouts for next year started and so she has been busy with that. The Thursday before the concert, I stayed home to take Gigio to see the eminent specialist, who remembers Enigma. I haven't seen him much but the treatment he suggested seems to be helping so far. He's a little more relaxed and considering the circumstances this week that is a good sign. After a "fun" shopping trip for Enigma we had the great event of the week, the FLOOD THE BASEMENT EPISODE, to follow this tale, which Papi missed of course. After the episode, I found out that Thing 1 had pinworms. So the next day I had to wash all the bed stuff, go pick up medicine for the whole family and then drop off the boys to go up and see Carino, who was waking up and wanted me. While I collect shoes and things, the boys go out to the car and when I get out there, they have sprayed Go-gurt all over inside it and tipped over a can of coke. Gigio tried to help by taking out the seats to find a lost transformer. Now they were throwing apple pieces at each other. So I have to clean all that up while freaking out that my boy is all alone without me, run drop off the boys with grandparents and head up to be with him. When I got home that night, I had to start the arduous task of cleaning every surface in the house. Every surface the nurse said. Does she know what she's saying??? The last day Carino was in the hospital I had to take everyone with me to a meeting at Enigma's school, then I had to go get some library books. We made it to the library in one piece. I suppose it won't surprise you to hear my kids aren't very quiet and have a hard time staying with me. This is why I would rather stick toothpicks under my fingernails than go to the library with them, but someone urgently needed something for school. Thing 1 recently learned to whistle, which didn't help much. Neither did it help that Thing 2 swallowed a lifesaver whole in the car, plus he's already had an awful cough and had to miss a few days of school this week, so he started coughing up a storm the rest of the night, trying to dislodge the candy stuck somewhere in his throat, and then having to deal with the irritation. Gigio decides he needs to go to the bathroom, and someone left balloons on the floor of the kids' side of the library. I don't like that someone because there is no way to keep kids quiet when there are balloons to fight over and pop. Eventually, after kid chasing and quieting all over the place, we get the books and make it to the check out line. Just as I'm checking out the books, Gigio tells me that Thing 2 threw up. It was pretty much just phlegm, but I still never thought we would manage to get it cleaned up and get out of there with the boys dividing and conquering all over the place. When we got home the big surprise was that Papi and Carino were there waiting for us! I'm so glad we are all at home now. I'm thankful for every one who has helped babysit and bring in food and helped with the disaster cleanup!
p.s. There are a lot of surfaces in my house!
April 19, 2006:
(The week before this ended with us waiting to hear if Papi's MRI showed a tumor in his head or not.) We found out Monday that Papi didn't have a tumor. In May he will see a specialist to find out what it is instead. Monday I planned to work because it would probably be the only work day of the week. But Enigma slept in, so I got started late on everything, then the school called that Gigio was having problems and they needed me to come out. By the time he was settled down, the school day was practically over. Meanwhile the sitter had gotten a migraine and I was getting calls from doctors and Enigma had dance rehearsal every day of the week, so I gave up on work. Eventually the day ended and I had everyone to sleep and I could get ready for the next day. It was almost 2:30 am by then. We had to be at the hospital at 6 am the next morning for Carino's surgery. Carino was calm and happy going into everything and they started at 7:45 am. They said it would take about 5 hours. Turns out he had a lot of scar tissue and so they had a lot more work. They couldn't get everything aligned the way they wanted to and had to actually make a break in the other side of the jaw in order to get things set right. So it ended up taking 10 hours instead. He had to have a breathing tube and go to ICU. He was really swollen, but they had him sedated so he was basically paralyzed and wouldn't pull the tubes out. Late Thursday they reduced the meds so he would be conscious. By Friday morning he was restless and that afternoon they took the breathing tube out. He was moved to a regular room Saturday afternoon. Sunday he got an Easter basket and got to color eggs. Papi brought all the sibs up to stay with him for a while, then I took them back and Papi stayed. Later Sunday they had to stop his food because it was coming back up the stomach tube. Monday he was really sore and miserable. He still needed the stomach tube but it was irritating his throat. Tuesday afternoon he finally got the tube out and life got happy. He really perked up and after a few days he finally got home! We were thrilled! He is the bravest boy on the planet.
Now for what went down at home. I was up there most of the time, but came back home most nights. One night I was home, and Papi called because he was really sick so I had to go pile all the kids in the car and take them with me to go pick him up. Enigma was busy the whole week with rehearsals and then at the second concert, which I made it to, she seemed kind of out of it. After I got called to go back over the loudspeaker, she had gotten a really bad headache and was really dizzy. The costume was too tight and she was short of breath. She started freaking out. A nurse asked about what she'd consumed that day and said she was surely dehydrated. So she learned a thing or two. Once the concert was out of the way the whole tryouts for next year started and so she has been busy with that. The Thursday before the concert, I stayed home to take Gigio to see the eminent specialist, who remembers Enigma. I haven't seen him much but the treatment he suggested seems to be helping so far. He's a little more relaxed and considering the circumstances this week that is a good sign. After a "fun" shopping trip for Enigma we had the great event of the week, the FLOOD THE BASEMENT EPISODE, to follow this tale, which Papi missed of course. After the episode, I found out that Thing 1 had pinworms. So the next day I had to wash all the bed stuff, go pick up medicine for the whole family and then drop off the boys to go up and see Carino, who was waking up and wanted me. While I collect shoes and things, the boys go out to the car and when I get out there, they have sprayed Go-gurt all over inside it and tipped over a can of coke. Gigio tried to help by taking out the seats to find a lost transformer. Now they were throwing apple pieces at each other. So I have to clean all that up while freaking out that my boy is all alone without me, run drop off the boys with grandparents and head up to be with him. When I got home that night, I had to start the arduous task of cleaning every surface in the house. Every surface the nurse said. Does she know what she's saying??? The last day Carino was in the hospital I had to take everyone with me to a meeting at Enigma's school, then I had to go get some library books. We made it to the library in one piece. I suppose it won't surprise you to hear my kids aren't very quiet and have a hard time staying with me. This is why I would rather stick toothpicks under my fingernails than go to the library with them, but someone urgently needed something for school. Thing 1 recently learned to whistle, which didn't help much. Neither did it help that Thing 2 swallowed a lifesaver whole in the car, plus he's already had an awful cough and had to miss a few days of school this week, so he started coughing up a storm the rest of the night, trying to dislodge the candy stuck somewhere in his throat, and then having to deal with the irritation. Gigio decides he needs to go to the bathroom, and someone left balloons on the floor of the kids' side of the library. I don't like that someone because there is no way to keep kids quiet when there are balloons to fight over and pop. Eventually, after kid chasing and quieting all over the place, we get the books and make it to the check out line. Just as I'm checking out the books, Gigio tells me that Thing 2 threw up. It was pretty much just phlegm, but I still never thought we would manage to get it cleaned up and get out of there with the boys dividing and conquering all over the place. When we got home the big surprise was that Papi and Carino were there waiting for us! I'm so glad we are all at home now. I'm thankful for every one who has helped babysit and bring in food and helped with the disaster cleanup!
p.s. There are a lot of surfaces in my house!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I'm Not Really Crazy
This is one of those posts you've all been waiting for, because I promised. (Right!) But I bet you thought I couldn't deliver on this one. (See the end of this post). I'm not really crazy. I've been pretending all along. Here's the clinical proof. When we were adopting, the social worker who did our home study was also a worker for DCFS. So she sent me get my psychological evaluation with the psychologist who does parental fitness evaluations for her DCFS clients.
This psychologist had an office built into one side of his home. So I went and parked on the street by the home and went in for my evaluation. After a little small talk, I had to answer 101 questions on a survey or two. I remember there was a part that you would mark whether or not statements were true or not. There were statements like, "People are out to get me." -Not! So, after wading through several tests and things I was free to go and I was supposed to come back for a second appointment to be interviewed.
When I went out to the car, there were some neighbors outside, and they weren't exactly friendly. They looked at me in the weirdest way, as if I were distasteful. I was wondering if I had a booger hanging somewhere or if I'd sprouted horns or what. "That was weird," I thought, and went on my way.
A few weeks later, I returned for my results. First, the psychologist asked me why the worker had sent me to him. I explained that it was for an adoption home study. Oh, well, that explained it all. He couldn't figure out why I was so normal. He said he had never tested anyone with such normal scores. There was nothing wrong with me. This had really bothered him. I guess he doesn't like people to be normal. In any case, the fact that I was supposed to be normal made it all OK. He was excited to note in the interview that I did have some symptoms of ADD. I guess that made not too normal, and the report on me as a prospective adoptive parent was most favorable.
I was left with many an unanswered question about the good doctor though. What in the heck was he telling his neighbors about his patients? What would he score on his own tests? The world will never know. For all those who know me well, I bet you never thought you'd hear that I was accused of being the most normal person that someone ever met. In any case, I'm clinically normal. At least I was 9 years ago! Hee hee, ha ha!
P.S. My next post will not start I'm...
P.P.S. So I better just mention now that I'm as sick as a dog. I swear I got a flu shot! What's up with that?
This psychologist had an office built into one side of his home. So I went and parked on the street by the home and went in for my evaluation. After a little small talk, I had to answer 101 questions on a survey or two. I remember there was a part that you would mark whether or not statements were true or not. There were statements like, "People are out to get me." -Not! So, after wading through several tests and things I was free to go and I was supposed to come back for a second appointment to be interviewed.
When I went out to the car, there were some neighbors outside, and they weren't exactly friendly. They looked at me in the weirdest way, as if I were distasteful. I was wondering if I had a booger hanging somewhere or if I'd sprouted horns or what. "That was weird," I thought, and went on my way.
A few weeks later, I returned for my results. First, the psychologist asked me why the worker had sent me to him. I explained that it was for an adoption home study. Oh, well, that explained it all. He couldn't figure out why I was so normal. He said he had never tested anyone with such normal scores. There was nothing wrong with me. This had really bothered him. I guess he doesn't like people to be normal. In any case, the fact that I was supposed to be normal made it all OK. He was excited to note in the interview that I did have some symptoms of ADD. I guess that made not too normal, and the report on me as a prospective adoptive parent was most favorable.
I was left with many an unanswered question about the good doctor though. What in the heck was he telling his neighbors about his patients? What would he score on his own tests? The world will never know. For all those who know me well, I bet you never thought you'd hear that I was accused of being the most normal person that someone ever met. In any case, I'm clinically normal. At least I was 9 years ago! Hee hee, ha ha!
P.S. My next post will not start I'm...
P.P.S. So I better just mention now that I'm as sick as a dog. I swear I got a flu shot! What's up with that?
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Blast from the Past- After Christmas Caper 2000
Today I am going to bare all and expose you to another problem we’re having. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Here it is: I’m running a nudist camp around here. Strangely, the colder it gets, the less these little elves wear. One day the little elves were running around in the buff and Santa comes out after taking a shower, no suit on, and exclaims, rather accusingly, “What a bunch of nudists! Who did they learn that from?” I just looked Santa over real good and said, “Yes, WHO might that be?” Santa blushed.
Later, things went from bad to worse. Little Simba decided to take his nudism to a higher level and play a practical joke. I was folding laundry when Simba came running in, no diaper on and what looked like poop on his backside. Yet, strangely enough, the “poop” was the same color as the chocolate all around his mouth. Harriet the Spy was called in with her new spy kit from Santa to investigate the scene. Upon interrogation, Simba informed us that the substance on his behind was poo poo. Further investigation also showed a clumpy dropping outside the room in the hall that resembled a B.M. However, after magnifying the substances and smelling them and finally touching them, it was obvious that it was chocolate. Simba was a fraud. Simba was given the same sentence he would have received otherwise, which was a good long bath. Case closed.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
BLAST FROM THE PAST- April 6, 2005
This is the sequel to my Family Heirlooms post.
I would have written sooner but...
I was a little incapacitated.
I would have written sooner but...
I was a little incapacitated.
The blue stuff on the keyboard is toothpaste. Ironically they used the family heirloom of a gutted knife I was keeping "safe" in there to remember the yogurt incident with to pry up the keys and then smeared the toothpaste all over. Where do they get these ideas from? How do they get and act on them so quickly? Like, " Quick, pry the latch open with the broom handle, get the toothpaste from the bathroom and the knife from the desk drawer: now let's get to work!" Why??? Maybe it was to distract me from the missing nail clippers.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
For All You Who Didn't Believe It
This is the video of Danilo undoing the electrical socket panels, age 2.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Next Blast- The Twins' Dayplanner @ 2004
A page from D&D’s day planner-age 2.
( just fill the D's in with any descriptive name:
Demolition & Destruction, Disaster & Diablo...)
TO DO LIST
(Basic Guidelines: Help each other or divide and conquer by distracting mom with one activity while your brother starts the next.)
1. Remove safety plugs from all outlets,
Pull all electrical plugs in the house
Find all the pens in the house. Jam them in the light sockets.
Spread the ink around.
2. Dump out all the drawers and cupboards you can get into.
3. Climb into window frames, swing on the blinds.
Open window latches.
4. Climb up dresser drawers, empty dresser drawers,
dissect and slime everything in the dresser drawers.
5. Get into as many electronic items as possible.
Analyze them: see what they will do.
Dismantle them to see why they work and what you can stuff into them.
6. Take a break and play with toys a while, stick cars into door and window jams. Yell “Stuck!
7. Torture the dog
8. Whack each other over the head with as many toys as possible
9. Get brooms or any other long object and clean off the walls and countertops.
10. See how many things you can climb to the top of.
11. Jump on all the beds
12. Bounce from one sofa to another.
13. Spin in the big chair till you’re ready to barf;
Then pull all the cushions off the sofas;
Dump over and scoot all the other pieces of furniture you can
14. Rip your clothes off as many times as possible.
Rip your diaper off in time to keep IT dry.
If you can’t do that, fight for your life to keep your diaper on at changing time. Fight for your life to keep your clothes off once you lose the first battle. While your brother fights for his life, yell and hit mom, step into or grab the messy diaper, yell EWWW! Or if need be, take the opportunity to run do a dastardly deed while Mom’s busy alligator wrestling.
15. Undo child safety locks, find all the sharp objects possible and run with them in your mouth
16. Digest books, literally
17. Test your lungs
18. Get boogers out and say “Eeewww!”
19. Get into the q-tips and stick them in all the openings of your body
20. Bite tips off all the markers you can find
21. Stop people from reading, writing, talking on the phone , loading the dishwasher, watching TV, cooking or folding laundry by getting in the middle of it.
22. Kitchen Duty: Climb on dishwasher, empty it, sharp knives first! Then get the bottom basket out and push it around the floor
23. Thrash about and try to get out of Mom’s arms as she expels you from the kitchen, scream in her ear. Better yet, do the cheapo fireworks scream together with your brother, sending your mom’s ears into another dimension and summoning the fire department.
24. Pee next to the potty then push it all over the house like a toy car.
25. Rip the blankets and sheets off the beds, shake juice and milk out of bottles and sippy cups onto beds, couches and floors.
26. Play with the toys some more, then spread the pieces around.
27. Pull out dresser drawers or anything else handy to give you height and scoot it to all the doors and gates in the house and break in to rooms and closets.
28. Get out the vacuum, plug it in and turn it on. Suck your brother’s hair or diaper.
29. Give out hugs, kisses, bye byes, sad parting cries and clingy hello’s; beg for kisses on fake owies, share your food and toys, chase each other, push each other around in anything the other can fit into , laugh a lot, smile an impish smile an hour, dance along and sing along to everything. Make a million faces, beg for juice.
31. While your Mom looks over you adoringly, dream of what you’ll do after your nap.
BLAST FROM THE PAST- 2001
Just to get a feel for what some of my friends who's e-mails I didn't have back then, I'm adding a few excerpts from past years.
Nov. 2001
COSTCO CO.
To Whom it May Concern:
I would like to congratulate your company first off for building the only contraption that my sons Houdini age 3 and his Faithful Assistant age 2 have yet to be able to get out of. Your 5 point harness system is the best around.
This is the reason why I am writing to you today. I would like to know if it would be possible for me to order 2 more of the harnesses directly from you without having to buy 2 more car seats. I most certainly hope so as the future of my home and family hangs in the balance.
You see, other than being escape artists, my sons are food artists. As much as I try to keep them in the kitchen with it, they seem to think they have an allergy to the kitchen table and the kitchen in general once they get food into their hot little hands. Add the fact that any great escape artist naturally finds it easy to break into just about anything as well, and you can see that unless I plan to stand guard 24 hours a day in the kitchen or hire a retiree from Buckingham palace, it is unlikely that I will be able to stop all the pilfering of food from my kitchen that goes on around here. What happens to all this food? While anyone can see that they eat very well, they also feel a need to spread the joy around and since my house is their immediate world, they feed the world by feeding my house.
I don't know if any of you have ever lived in a home decorated in contemporary food fight, but let me tell you that after a while it does terrible things to your psyche, not to mention the health hazard. I'm sure we will soon have some kind of mouse or roach infestation, and stepping on slippery and crunchy things is a real slipping hazard. Add to this the fact that I am expecting another one of these little prodigies, and movement in general makes me seasick and all this bending over to pick crud up off the floor seems to bring up the contents of my stomach. As I get bigger it gets harder to bend over AND to chase little slippery guys around so in all I've got a home on it's way to making it onto the Health Department's list of homes to visit. I could just hang in there till I deliver, but
I know better. If the two of these guys can use each other as a diversion to get away with twice as much now, another helpless screaming creature will only add to the confusion. Especially when you consider that my children so far have all been champion nursers so for the next 2- 4 years I will have to contend with the fact that I will have a little barracuda latched onto me some 3 hours of the day off and on which will leave me as a sitting duck. Even if I chase after them and subject their sibling to milkshakes, it is sure to slow me down.
My solution to this problem is simple. If I barricade the doorway and put 5 point harnesses at their seats at the table, I can strap them in and their food can only get as far away as they can throw it. It might sound a little restrictive, but I figure it is much, much more humane than sitting on them, and they will most certainly be able to eat their food easier this way. I would of course not leave them unattended since I not only have safety to take into account but the fact that if they use this system on such a more regular basis they may learn to escape from it if left to their own wiles and then I couldn't drive with them anywhere either.
Please let me know how soon I could get these parts and what the cost may be.
Sincerely, Shellie Espinoza
Friday, August 31, 2007
FAMILY HEIRLOOMS
EXHIBIT A : PROOF THAT GUARDIAN ANGELS REALLY DO EXIST
We still own this knife, mutilated in September 2003, to hand down to our posterity. It commemorates son Gigio's first day of Kindergarten. For those who didn't get my e-mails back then, it went something like this...
We came home from school to find Enigma with the babies covered in joint compound; Papi had just fixed a hole in the wall in my room before he left and while Enigma was trying to get the kids next door to quit ringing our doorbell, the babies attacked it. So I set out to clean up the babies, then everywhere they had slimed, then their clothes and lastly to try to fix the hole again. I didn’t do as good a job as Papi, but while everyone attacked me again I did my best and all that only took about 2 hours. After initially displacing his aggression on everyone in the house over his first day of school and threatening to pack up and leave us, Gigio settled down. Then while I fed the babies, Carino the gypsy flew the coop again. A kind neighbor called us and then came behind him with his trike which he had left behind. Finally I got the babies to sleep and got to work on dinner after several interruptions from the remaining 3 kids, so by the time the babies woke and started wailing I was almost done. Then finally they left the kitchen and quieted. I was wondering what had captivated their interest when Thing 1 showed up in the kitchen “talking” and gesturing towards my room, obviously accusing his brother, whom I found eating the patch job off the wall; Enigma left the door open to my room again. SO we cleaned up and got to the table, and after making sure there was nothing toxic in the drywall, I got them to eat real food while I got more practice at patching walls. Then after dinner the boys went downstairs to “play” while I supervised my eldest in her reading, and after 15 minutes of that agony, Carino shows up with a spikey hairdo that smelled fruity, something like some go-gurt we had on hand. Soon after Gigio followed and confirmed that it was indeed yogurt, so after getting both Gigio and Enigma to read, I gave Carino and the babies ANOTHER bath. Then when I sent Carino down to bed, he says he can’t, there’s yogurt on his bed. Silly me, why did I think it was all on his head?? Wishful thinking?? Then I saw the room, which looked like someone had blown up a balloon filled with yogurt in there, it was splashed all over everything. Then as my alter ego, the witchy mom took over and bawled them out, the angel on my shoulder reminded me I didn’t want to really strangle them; should I break down and cry? No, that’s what Gigio wants, to get me back for being so mean, at least that’s his excuse for his messes lately. As I’m yelling and contemplating what to do about this, I notice the night light, with not only yogurt but a black charred looking area around it. Next Enigma came to see what the hullaballoo was all about, all the while secretly hoping I would switch over to the dark side and eliminate her brothers. I start telling her that they must have gotten yogurt between the outlet and the light, and from the looks of things set off a flame, which Gigio refuted, saying they were just sparks at which point I decide to start lecturing on the properties of electricity. That's when Thing 2 walks up with Exhibit A in his hand. All I can say is I thank the Lord above that I still have a house and live children. For some strange reason, the boys had gotten the idea to stick the knife between the socket and the night light. Maybe to clean up the yogurt? I start telling them they could have been electrocuted. Gigio says, "No, Mom, it didn't, it just went, BZZZZZZ! (shaking hand motion with this)" So there you have it. I believe it is impossible to really hurt yourself with 110 volts. Good thing we're in the USA! The boys got grounded from the basement for 2 days and had to sleep with blankets on the hard floor upstairs. They also got grounded from yogurt until they are old enough to buy it themselves.
P.S. the sequel is here now...
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