Random Updates

We went to speech as usual. Then we went shopping. We got a bunch of used pants at Savers and went to Target looking for something, and then trying to extract D1 from the store without a transformer. They are back. Then we ate pizza and D1 had another meltdown over the drinks. C. kept asking me if he could have a skateboard, and when he could have one, and if this or that could he... I was calm. I am so proud of myself. I not only acted like a model parent, I actually felt like one inside too. I must be growing up. That, and there was only one kid misbehaving at a time, which usually helps tons. Maybe they are growing up.
We went to the dentist. Me and the four boys. It was delightful. D1 has E.'s mouth so his teeth coming in will not all fit in his mouth. He has a nice set of cavities in his back teeth since he can't stand toothpaste, except the watermelon kind he can slightly tolerate. D2 screamed over getting his teeth brushed. He has 1 cavity. Hooray. We are going to use the best and most expensive sedative for this one stupid hole in his mouth because just cleaning his teeth is nearly impossible. The rest cooperated but were their usual bouncy selves. G. was perfect, teeth coming in straight, no cavities, I just wish I could sedate him for these visits so he wouldn't get everyone else so wound up. C. had just 1 cavity. I spend the whole time trying to get them all not to touch the instruments. G. sprayed D1 with the water pic wand anyways. D1 Jumped on the end of the chair while the dentist was poking around D2's mouth. It went better than usual. The dentist always comments on how I really have my hands full. Yeah, so someday I wish they would just whisk us in and out the minute we get in there. E. didn't go to the dentist, she went to the doctor instead because she had the flu. Now she doesn't need the shot. Now I know that if I wait at the pharmacy for 40 minutes while they try to find my insurance coverage, (because it is so much harder to get the ID number off an explanation of benefits because E. lost the ID card at the Dr.'s), and then try to get the computer to let them bill the insurance, I will find out that Tamiflu costs $80 because the insurance doesn't think it is worth covering so all you get is a small discount from the pharmaceuticals. I didn't buy it. She got better anyways. But that stuff works great, I used it once before. Get your flu shots! It's going around early this year. It's cheaper than getting sick! I will probably get it before I can actually follow my own advice.
Now I am trying to decide what to do about my trip to Las Vegas next week. Do I actually prepare these people and make food and leave lists or do I just let everything run amok so they will miss me? Actually, they will probably be so glad there will be no rules for 2 1/2 days and when I come home I will have to pay by trying to pick up 3 days worth of mess. J. will be working the game at BYU so he will not be available much to help Saturday at all. Actually, whether I cook and freeze or leave lists, they will probably just ignore it all and eat junk the whole weekend. I probably should leave for a much longer time someday till they all decide they are better off with me. That might be expensive living somewhere else for a year, so maybe I will just give up on being noticed. One day they will grow up and leave and then they will understand.
I tried to tape my floor. You know, for my scientific study of the paranormal phenomenon of things growing out of my floor. But even though the camera was hidden, everyone seemed to walk out of range of the camera and stuff just grew in other spots instead. Really weird. Maybe it can't be caught on tape. Then D&D decided to make juice. I tried to help, but they got in a fight over what to stir with and the whole project got abandoned. Then D1 came back in later and tried to add more water at the sink but just ended up knocking the whole pitcher on the floor. It was amazing. It's incredible how much juice actually fits in a pitcher. It looks like more on the floor. Especially when it's super concentrated because before adding more water, we added more powder. Meanwhile, D2 has gotten a scoop full of powder to dip his fingers in and is spilling it all over the rest of the house as he tries to get away from me. Did I get any of this on tape? NO! It ran out right before the juice making started! So I have about 3 hours taped of a bench and a floor, with occasional shadows and movement on the side. How exciting! Not too different from our other home movies, which are a series of a kid doing nothing, blank look on his face, to the audio of me whining and begging, "Please do Buzz Lightyear again. C'mon, do it again! Be Buzz! Hey Buzz, there's Zord! C'mon, pleeeeese! Do Buzz again.." or "Smile for Mommie, c'mon, smile!" Etc. etc. I can't stand them. It's like the only time they hold still and I'm too busy holding a camera and begging to go enjoy it!
D&D's teacher came out to the hall to stop me the other day as I left. She wanted to tell me about something. For show and tell D1 brought a transformer. Surprise, surprise. He told everyone very earnestly, My mom bought it for me: She's cute! D1 also was playing with a ziplock bag full of water the other day, which he called "Mr. Waggly". Then Mr. Waggly sprung a leak. He went pee pee I was informed. Why do we even have toys?
One day early this week I unplugged all the T.V's and told everyone to get a life. My husband didn't divorce me. He just said, O.K. I'm thinking, why didn't I do that a long time ago. Then as soon as I went to go grocery shopping, they all plugged them back in. I used to think Rodney Dangerfield was so stupid, but now I get him. I don't get no respect around here.
Lastly, we all went to Cornbelly's Corn Maze at Thanksgiving Point. J. deserves a purple heart after walking around the maze with us, everyone running and yelling and doing their level best to get split up from us, all the while G. complaining that no one else will stop and listen to the clues for the treasure we are supposed to be finding. I tried once but D&D were talking (i.e. yelling in English) in my ear, so I gave up. The rest of the stuff was a blast; slides and hayrides, and a big bouncing pillow, and a spiderweb tower. You climb to the top then slide down through the webs and bounce on the tramp at the bottom. And there was much more... Oh the big inflated lizard. You walk in his mouth and get digested and come out the tail. It was mostly just too dark to see where you were going and scared D2's tummy. We stayed till it got too cold and dark.
Here's a few pics:



















After 7 or so more shots like this, (E. refused to be a pig), and discovering that the other 4 can't all be in place at once, we gave up.











































Are we having fun yet?? This is as good as it gets!

Baby Advice

Congratulations Jill and Parry on the birth of Micah! What a cutie. You are the lucky new owners of a onesie that says Born in 2007, because it might be my last chance to give it away. The other one grew out of it before I could give it to him.

For all first time parents, here’s some free advice you never asked for, (get used to it, you will get a lot. Of course, my advice is best :)):

1. If your child’s first word is dangerous, it is not a good sign. Start praying.

2. No matter what, from now on don’t forget to pray.

3. When your child cuts his chin open, just stick crazy glue on it and hold it in place with a butterfly bandage. You can buy them both at K-mart if you’re there to get something else instead. But if you make a special trip, they will be out. So get them ahead of time while you’re looking for something else that’s not there that you really needed THAT day. (Like a while back, K-Mart was bankrupt, and I was thinking, DUH! If they’d just change their strategy to keeping things stocked! I’d never bother with them, but they’re closest to my house.) Anyhow, if you don’t do this in advance, try someplace like Rite Aid instead.

I cannot take medical responsibility for this technique but check this out: http://sportsmedicine.about.com/library/weekly/aa072000.htm

and http://www.ucsf.edu/its/listserv/emed-l/1838.html

Now chew on this one; The first time I tried the old fashioned way, we spent a lifetime in the ER after which they started suturing and then had to stop and get more thread and suture some more while my kid nearly brought the walls down with his screams and then within less than 24 hours he had picked them all out. The Dr. thought it was best to put them back in, so we went back into the ER for another interminable wait and then the Dr. decided rather than stitch it again (there were still echoes) to put a special glue, (“like super glue” i.e. the technical name for it instead), on it and bandage over that twice. The bandage was supposed to stick onto the glue. He had it all off by the time we got home.

You choose. Of course if it’s a dog bite, you probably need it professionally cleaned out first and most people still prefer stitches, but at least if it’s office hours (doubtful) many pediatric offices are set up to do stitches now.

4. It’s really amazing, but green cabbage leaves applied to the site that is bothering you truly do help mastitis. Honestly!

5. Make your own baby food. It’s cheaper and fresher. You can freeze it in ice cube trays, then keep it in zip locks for about 2 weeks. That is if the baby doesn’t eat it all sooner.

6. Don’t make big plans anymore, just try to brush your teeth every day, shower before you stink, and enjoy him. One day you will have a life again to do what you want with. And if you die first, what could have been more important to do first, be a parent, or _______fill in the blank with anything else.

7. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Really! This is your last chance, because next time you have a baby, you won’t be able to.

8. Don’t turn your back on ____________ (most substances, especially liquid ones) with a toddler in the room.

9. Take lots of pictures. Someday he will be a teenager, and these pictures will make you cry. They might just save his life some days too, when you can remember who he used to be and decide to wait to see how he ends up in a few more years.

10. Consistency is always the best policy, except that you have to be consistently consistent and that is difficult, especially if it’s not in your nature. But try to be consistent as often as you can as long as you remember that once you are outnumbered that might get to be impossible. Never give up on this principle even when it is impossible; somewhat consistent is better than nothing.

11. Did I say don’t forget to pray? And don’t forget to sleep or eat. Don’t forget your spouse. Don’t forget your name. Don’t forget to pay the bills or put gas in the car. Don’t forget the important stuff. Forget the rest, you will anyways.

12. Learn to childproof your home. Take Childproofing 101 the definitive class for parents, by yours truly.

CHILDPROOFING 101

Box up everything breakable or of value that you don’t need to use every day. Lock it away in a shed somewhere before your child can scoot.

The less carpet in your house, the better. Trust me. Just do the best you can with this, you may not be able to get rid of it.

Now, all the things you need but your baby does not, i.e. the Comet, dishsoap, your keys, sharp objects, garbage cans, etc. need to be kept locked up.

You only need two childproofing products. Believe me, I have tried them all. Here they are:

Keep things locked behind these and with constant vigilance, you just might all survive. Just remember that if knives, scissors and other sharp objects aren’t stored behind one of these plastic things, they can cut through them.

You don’t need electrical socket plugs. If people would stop manufacturing those things, the savings in carbon emissions would end global warming. If people didn’t waste their money on them, they could probably start a college fund on what they save. They only draw your child to the socket so they can pull the things out. Then they think they need to put something back in its place. It will not be the socket cover. I wasted my money on some other covers that you had to push in two buttons while pulling it out. They loved the challenge. It kept them busy slightly longer than the originals. As long as you don’t expose the plug to the oven or something like that, you will be fine. 110 volts will not kill you. If you don’t believe me, read my post on Family Heirlooms.

Do not buy toilet locks either. We did that with our first, and everyone who visited and used our bathroom couldn’t figure out how to get the thing open to use the toilet. When they would come out in chagrin to ask us how, my helpful toddler would say, “Oh, I know how, let me show you,” and go open it for them. So we got rid of it. If you need to keep the baby out of the toilet, put the other lock on the outside of the bathroom; high enough up that the baby can’t reach or you will be so sorry. And don’t forget to lock the broom up behind closed doors.

As for the stove, just take all the knobs off and lock them up. It might be a pain, but it beats having your kitchen burned down. Ask my neighbor.

Don’t iron. Just get rid of wrinkly clothes and get mixed fibers that dry without wrinkling.

That’s the basics. Good luck!

The Week in Brief: from grasshoppers to homecoming and traffic tickets in between

I've gotta figure out how to put audio on here. Just hum to yourself here: Have I done any good in the world today? I saved a grasshopper from having it's wings clipped. Don't ask, I can't explain the Espinoza Syndrome.
I saved E. from having to go to Homecoming whose theme was a Night at the Oscars in a sun dress that didn't fit her, a half hour before it started. Drama, drama, drama! I caved. Mostly because I felt guilty that she tried to take care of the issue without asking for help before, which stellar quality of being stupidly independent she got from me. Now I feel guilty about letting my pocketbook suffer the consequences instead of her. E. is now my slave for life, heh, heh! She has to babysit (while I work to pay off the dress), do her biology homework , and in general do my bidding or lose the dress! And she has to wear it to every formal occasion from now on, until she can afford to get her own. She tried it on and wore it out of the store and straight over to meet her date. I decided it's not a good idea to homecoming dress shop with 5 year old boys who splash in rain puddles on the way out to the car, but we managed not to destroy the dress. She had a lot of fun, but of course being E. present, it was not your normal date and all I'll say without her permission is I feel sorry for the guys in her life! Here's her dress:

This one on the right is J. in his super guaso suit he wore for dieciocho that he got in Chile last May, where he didn't shave either.

I also did the good deed of reading up on knee problems, but I'm not an authority and haven't cured him just yet, Lorenzo's Oil takes time. I did drive him back and forth from the stadium to talk to his aunt on the phone while she was getting his mom transferred to a different site, which is a long and confusing story but the bottom line is hopefully she will adjust and do just as well there and I hope the phone works better there too. I did something else to save the world, but I forgot what it was while I was typing the first things up. I went to E and D&D's parent teacher conferences. So far not so bad. D&D are entertaining their teacher at least, she says they are the spice of the class. D1 is also really helping a little girl (who lives around the block too) who's practically silent and just barely starting to interact with her environment. He makes her laugh and so she will get his attention and he will keep doing silly things to make her laugh. What a surprise. If she came home with us, what would she think?:
Oh, and I've decided food and things must be growing up out of the floor behind me as I sweep. I'm just sure of it, I just need a time elapse recording to make the breaking evidence. Stand by on that one. (But don't hold your breath.)

SO now we come to the big event of the week: THE FIRST TRAFFIC TICKET STORY (TRUE STORY) I got permission to tell it: ahem. It's Friday night. E. goes to the homecoming game. They lose. That's o.k., she had fun anyways. She's driving home, she gets pulled over by a cop. She's freaking out, then a few minutes later I get this call: Mom, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME??? (suspense, you won't believe it tone) Me: I don't know, what? E: I got pulled over!!! (Innocent shock in voice) Me: Snicker. (How can you be shocked when I grounded you from your car for a week the week before last for scaring the neighbors in it?) What happened? E: So, I get pulled over and I'm freaking out and the cop is like give me your license and registration, then he's like checking my insurance and says the paper I gave him was an old one, then I look all over and can't find another one, and I'm getting all freaked out and crying, then he checks something and comes back and says it's o.k. and I'm like bawling now and I ask him what I did and he says I'm alright it's just that my light in the back is burned out and all I have to do is go get it fixed and then go show proof or else I will be hauled off to jail, and I'm bawling now and I've got makeup all over my face and I'm going, "I don't have any money, and my parents will be mad to have to spend money on my car", and I'm bawling and the police is saying "It's o.k., you were driving fine, you won't get in trouble, just get it taken care of, it will be all right and Hey! what are you laughing at? Me: I can't help it! Ha, ha, ha ha.
Thank you police, for scaring the heck out of her :-) The going to jail part was a nice touch. The fact she didn't know it was a matter of replacing a light bulb was great too. The bawling till the poor police got worried at the mess he'd made of her and had to calm her down and imagining the whole thing was just too funny for me. Remember, I don't get out much. So, here's her first ticket. She wouldn't let me put in the picture of her when she got home with it and had a smeared pouting face unfortunately, so here's the Vanna pose:

I've got to go do something now about a sink full of ripe nectarines.

Si Vas Para Chile...

We went to a 18 de Septiembre party Saturday. It was fun to visit with a lot of people we haven't seen in a long time, but as usual, the food ran out before we could get to it. So we had huesillo con huesillo. It was an improvement. We already had empanadas coming out of our heads before we got there anyways. My mother-in-law was so anxious to go home, she didn't want to talk long when we called, the next day she wanted money to take a taxi. But at least we could hear her clearly :) Here's what they were eating: MMMM!


















Speaking of Chileans, amongst them we often discuss whether Chilean moms baby their boys too much. Girls for that matter, but mostly the boys. They really are professional at waiting on you hand and foot and serving you food, etc like you were a VIP at a fancy restaurant. I can't seem to get the hang of that, I usually get lost on the way to the fridge to get J. a popsicle. Or I'll tell my kids to do something themselves. When I actually have real guests, I plan to wait on them and prepare a dessert, which I forget either until they're leaving or gone. Then I feel so stupid. But back to waiting on your offspring hand and foot, sometimes I wonder if in my quest to teach them independence I go overboard. Like when D1 told me once, "Do it yourself," when I asked him to do something.Then the other day E. says, "Mom, will you scratch my nose?" My hands weren't exactly empty at the moment, but I asked her why and she said because she couldn't get it to stop itching. I asked her where? and she says, "In here." And points up her nostril. What??? I am not even going to worry about not babying her enough anymore.

OTHER THINGS HEARD AROUND HOME: D1 has a loose tooth! He woke up one day and told me his tooth was wiggly. So occasionally I ask him how his tooth is doing and he says, "busy". E. How do you spell corner? M. Corner or coroner? E. Corner, like in The hooker stood on the street corner. G. What's a hooker? Great example, E. As we get to church late, and I am instructing everyone to just walk quickly and quietly, D2 bursts off running and yells, "Quick, we've got no time to lose!" And then there's the "My shoe wants free from my foot."

And last but not least, PARA MI TIO BRUTO, the next 3 clips are from the beach in Vina del Mar.

Where was I?

SUPPER SWAPPING 2 YR. OLD STYLE
And yes, to them, margarine is a meal!
A friend asked me when I showed her this, " What were you doing?"
As if I were watching a soap and eating bon-bons, or talking on the phone, or having an affair, or brain dead at the time. Actually I never do any of those things except sometimes I try to answer the phone. It doesn't usually get very far. The top 5 answers to that question are:

1. Moving the wash.

2. Eliminating wastes.

3. Helping another child

4. Cooking

5. Showering.

I'm not sure how to avoid any of those activities. Actually, if you have to ask this question, and you are actually a parent already, congratulate yourself on getting off that easy. This is what the rest of us deal with. On this particular occasion, I was helping another son with his homework. I heard the boys running and laughing, and thought they finally were just having fun together chasing each other. Then their older brother decided it wasn't funny to have butter thrown on HIM and asked me to intervene. I'm older and wiser now too. Silence isn't the only danger. TIP: if you're having a butter fight, wear your older brother's new shoes for traction.
AND TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES CONTINUE:
The kids got a virus on their computer that ate the hard drive files. Probably because they never let it update the virus protection or run the scan... Any how unfortunately all of E.'s photos for her class as well as who know how long of her life on film and all her music and videos were destroyed. She is devastated. (UPDATE: Now she is not devastated since she was invited to homecoming. Being 16 is so much fun.) She never saved anything at all. I can't believe it and I feel so bad, but there is nothing I can do; the school of hard knocks rules. J.'s cell phone is on the fritz too. Will it ever end? Don't answer that.
IN MEMORY OF SKEETER: WHAT A SPORT! THIS IS A BETTER PICTURE THAN THE ONE WITH THE TOILET BRUSH TAIL CUT!

HIDDEN PICTURE: CAN YOU FIND THE REAL ESPINOZA CHILDREN HIDDEN IN THIS PICTURE?
NEW DESIGNER CLOTHING: THE PONCHO SHORT

Whose Sock Is This?

The other day I went outside to start the laundry because otherwise we get buried in it. Oh! Why did I go outside to start the laundry? Because apparently the Espinozas are the kind of people who like to air their dirty laundry in public. (At least it's not stinking up my house.) Not to mention the fact that some of them have no problem with baring all either. I'm sure this is mostly due to the big quick set pool in the yard. In any case, I get at least one load a day out there. I am so energetic I decide to finally throw away the wet pull ups experiment collection: the one where you see how much water they will hold before exploding. Out front there are a few more wet items, and standing in the driveway, backsides facing me are two wet little boys, one with a swim vest, one with goggles on, both have pulled down their wet swim trunks and are peeing into the gutter. A real Kodak moment, but I don't have a camera with charged batteries. So, I try to explain to them why they don't want to do this, as simply as I can. "O.K." One responds. "Do you understand, then?" I ask. "Not really," he says. "Do it anyways," I say. Once I get them covered again, I go in the house and start the wash, then attack a mountain of dry clothes. Remember the stray sock bag? It got too full and I had to donate them all to the Amputees Society of America, or Sock Puppets Inc. or something, because who can throw away a good sock just because it doesn't have a mate? I mean, would I be disposable if I lost my mate? I have a new bulging bag of lost socks again, but now I know they belong in Las Vegas, because I saw a whole lounge of them in an M&M's movie there. So I'm pondering the deep meaning of socks and thinking about how much more entertaining my old bag of socks were, when I pull THIS out of the pile:
Now how in the heck did this get in my house? Who does it belong to, Shaquille O Neal?
I know somewhere out there in Indiana or something there's a giant of a person doing the wash and out comes one of the lost little mates to my companionless bunch. If perchance you see it on another blog, direct them my way; I still haven't sent their sock to Las Vegas.

On To Less Earth Shaking News:
I was just thinking maybe life was getting calmer. I mean, no one tried to burn the house down on the twin’s first day of school. Yesterday, however, D2 decided to stick a small screwdriver into a socket downstairs which made a loud bang and knocked the lights out for a few seconds. The screwdriver tip was melted a little. I told him all the reasons why he shouldn’t do that ever again, and he said “You’re scaring me mom.” I asked if it scared him when it went bang. He said it scared his tummy. But, he said he liked that.

D1 found a science experiment. A real one, that E. did but never threw away. I think she made salmonella. E. is loving school this year. PAUS is perfect for her, and she’s finally excited about learning again. She got a job at Down East Outfitter. My two boys at Freedom Academy are alternating days at school right now since they don’t all fit in half a school at once. They are supposed to be in the new building week after next.

Supposedly I would be working more hours now but the bus for D&D has been spastic, and either they don’t pick them up or don’t drop them off or don’t drop them off at the right place, so they ended up taking them back to school and I had to go pick them up. Then C.’s first day he tripped and hit his head on the cement gym floor so they sent him home early. He turned out to be just fine. Last night I sent G. to take a bath, and after a wild party ensued and no bath, I finally got him to bathe, followed by D&D, after which they began chasing each other around till G. slipped on the wet floor and hit his tailbone, head and arm. I’m not so sure he didn’t do something to the tailbone, but I don’t think they’ll put him in a cast for that, so we’ll see how he’s doing this afternoon. We have to go to speech down that way anyways. And continuing the medical theme, J. is having knee and back problems and we haven’t been able to find any real solution for him yet which is a bummer. School is killer this semester, and he's dizzy. I also found out that stars make D2 sick, at least that's what he told me (you get stars for cleaning your room). After a whole summer of trying to earn stars he and D1 earned themselves a transformer. But they are sold out everywhere so we had to order them from Hasbro. They just came today and they were so overjoyed.

So, Labor Day we rested. Slept in, read New Moon, watched funny videos on YouTube, basically wasted the day and had fun. We saw a good video, called The Ultimate Gift, which I can recommend because there's nothing bad in it and E. liked it anyways, even though it overtly makes a point about things like work, which she doesn't like hearing from me.

Everyone wants to tell Boomer they miss him. Hi, Boomer! Oh, and Amy, see the blog here for the Yet another mom, it is the lady who's E Bay auction you forwarded to me. It is spooky, as in "Killing Me Softly With His Song". I now believe in parallel universes. She even has a husband who works 80 hours a week in maintenance and remodeling, and has pictures of kids with q-tips stuck in all their orifices and just had a go-gurt explosion, and I could go on an on, it is all the same thing, not just the universal parent stuff, but the details. It's so much funnier to read it happening to her instead of me, though! Thanks for that one. We really enjoyed visiting with Chris last week, and hearing about you Texans. I loved hearing about Sara aspiring to be a carbon based life form. I was thinking, some days that could be my standard, as in: Today, don't expect much more out of me than that I will be a carbon based life form. Now you're worrying about all the other stories he told, huh? Gotta go! Catch y'all later!

P.S. Here's the letter about the old sock bag:The
rest of the week I spent with the laundry. As soon as I got to the last batch, it was the first in a trail of 3-4 piles. Not that I'm complaining at all, mind you, I'm overjoyed with gratitude that there's only 5 of us! However I think I got a little delirious after 3 days of both starting and ending the day with laundry, cuz I started singing (to the tune of Billy Joel's lullaby) Someday we'll all be gone, but laundry just goes on and on... It never ends, it's what you and I'll leave. But while we're on the subject I wanted to bring up the subject of unmatched socks. I love that
essay by Erma Bombeck, remember that one? I laughed so hard I cried. In any case, it's come to life in living color in my house. Where does the other one go??? How come they haven't clogged up the washer or dryer yet? or do they pulverize them?? The ones that are left go on with life though, let me tell you! I decided to get scientific about this cuz J. said somehow the whole pair doesn't make it into the laundry and the washer is innocent. I started putting all the unmatched socks together and went all through the house, through drawers and everywhere collecting those loose things and everyone that comes out unmatched after folding the laundry goes in there. It worked pretty good in the beginning because I found a lot of matches and avoided a lot of further separations, but they keep showing up. Not only that, they have children; smaller versions of the exact same sock appear or socks that look like a combination of two other socks but not quite either one of them, and nothing like we ever owned before. I know most of you don't believe me, but it's true, and you can even come and see them for yourselves if you'd like. The container keeps changing to something bigger and I'm shocked we're not down to using 1 sock at a time, however, E. did appear to be wearing a pair that were in opposites: one white with red design and the other red with the same design in white. Well, I'd like to keep
chatting but I'm too excited about cleaning up the kitchen so I'll go no further with my wondering on the mysteries of life and go enjoy it.

PPS. See my link to mismatched socks; I'm saved!

Next Blast- The Twins' Dayplanner @ 2004

A page from D&D’s day planner-age 2.

( just fill the D's in with any descriptive name:

Demolition & Destruction, Disaster & Diablo...)

TO DO LIST

(Basic Guidelines: Help each other or divide and conquer by distracting mom with one activity while your brother starts the next.)

1. Remove safety plugs from all outlets,

Pull all electrical plugs in the house.

Find all the pens in the house. Jam them in the light sockets.

Bend and break them, spewing ink all over.

Spread the ink around.

2. Dump out all the drawers and cupboards you can get into.

3. Climb into window frames, swing on the blinds.

Open window latches. Bang all the windows with as hard an object as you can find.

4. Climb up dresser drawers, empty dresser drawers,

dissect and slime everything in the dresser drawers.

5. Get into as many electronic items as possible.

Analyze them: see what they will do.

Dismantle them to see why they work and what you can stuff into them.

6. Take a break and play with toys a while, stick cars into door and window jams. Yell “Stuck!”

7. Torture the dog.

8. Whack each other over the head with as many toys as possible.

9. Get brooms or any other long object and clean off the walls and countertops.

10. See how many things you can climb to the top of. Get into dad’s important stuff on top of his dresser

11. Jump on all the beds.

12. Bounce from one sofa to another.

13. Spin in the big chair till you’re ready to barf;

Then pull all the cushions off the sofas;

Dump over and scoot all the other pieces of furniture you can.

14. Rip your clothes off as many times as possible.

Rip your diaper off in time to keep IT dry.

If you can’t do that, fight for your life to keep your diaper on at changing time. Fight for your life to keep your clothes off once you lose the first battle. While your brother fights for his life, yell and hit mom, step into or grab the messy diaper, yell EWWW! Or if need be, take the opportunity to run do a dastardly deed while Mom’s busy alligator wrestling.

15. Undo child safety locks, find all the sharp objects possible and run with them in your mouth.

16. Digest books, literally.

17. Test your lungs. Scream bloody murder.

18. Get boogers out and say “Eeewww!”

19. Get into the q-tips and stick them in all the openings of your body.

20. Bite tips off all the markers you can find. Eat all the crayons.

21. Stop people from reading, writing, talking on the phone , loading the dishwasher, watching TV, cooking or folding laundry by getting in the middle of it.

22. Kitchen Duty: Climb on dishwasher, empty it, sharp knives first! Then get the bottom basket out and push it around the floor. Get into the oven, climb onto the stove, remove all the knobs, spin the fan above, take out the light bulb. Scoot the bench to the kitchen counter, get into as much stuff as possible, mix up a “snack”. Climb on the table, broom in hand. Spin the ceiling fan round and round.

23. Thrash about and try to get out of Mom’s arms as she expels you from the kitchen, scream in her ear. Better yet, do the cheapo fireworks scream together with your brother, sending your mom’s ears into another dimension and summoning the fire department.

24. Pee next to the potty then push it all over the house like a toy car.

25. Rip the blankets and sheets off the beds, shake juice and milk out of bottles and sippy cups onto beds, couches and floors. Spit your juice and food on someone or something. Remember to swallow some too!

26. Play with the toys some more, then spread the pieces around.

27. Pull out dresser drawers or anything else handy to give you height and scoot it to all the doors and gates in the house and break in to rooms and closets.

28. Get out the vacuum, plug it in and turn it on. Suck your brother’s hair or diaper.

29. Give out hugs, kisses, bye byes, sad parting cries and clingy hello’s; beg for kisses on fake owies, share your food and toys, chase each other, push each other around in anything the other can fit into , laugh a lot, smile an impish smile an hour, dance along and sing along to everything. Make a million faces, beg for juice.

30. Pass out with an angelic look on your face and take a nap, just long enough to give you juice till midnight tonight.

31. While your Mom looks over you adoringly, dream of what you’ll do after your nap.

BLAST FROM THE PAST- 2001

Just to get a feel for what some of my friends who's e-mails I didn't have back then, I'm adding a few excerpts from past years.

Nov. 2001

COSTCO CO.

To Whom it May Concern:

I would like to congratulate your company first off for building the only contraption that my sons Houdini age 3 and his Faithful Assistant age 2 have yet to be able to get out of. Your 5 point harness system is the best around.

This is the reason why I am writing to you today. I would like to know if it would be possible for me to order 2 more of the harnesses directly from you without having to buy 2 more car seats. I most certainly hope so as the future of my home and family hangs in the balance.

You see, other than being escape artists, my sons are food artists. As much as I try to keep them in the kitchen with it, they seem to think they have an allergy to the kitchen table and the kitchen in general once they get food into their hot little hands. Add the fact that any great escape artist naturally finds it easy to break into just about anything as well, and you can see that unless I plan to stand guard 24 hours a day in the kitchen or hire a retiree from Buckingham palace, it is unlikely that I will be able to stop all the pilfering of food from my kitchen that goes on around here. What happens to all this food? While anyone can see that they eat very well, they also feel a need to spread the joy around and since my house is their immediate world, they feed the world by feeding my house.

I don't know if any of you have ever lived in a home decorated in contemporary food fight, but let me tell you that after a while it does terrible things to your psyche, not to mention the health hazard. I'm sure we will soon have some kind of mouse or roach infestation, and stepping on slippery and crunchy things is a real slipping hazard. Add to this the fact that I am expecting another one of these little prodigies, and movement in general makes me seasick and all this bending over to pick crud up off the floor seems to bring up the contents of my stomach. As I get bigger it gets harder to bend over AND to chase little slippery guys around so in all I've got a home on it's way to making it onto the Health Department's list of homes to visit. I could just hang in there till I deliver, but

I know better. If the two of these guys can use each other as a diversion to get away with twice as much now, another helpless screaming creature will only add to the confusion. Especially when you consider that my children so far have all been champion nursers so for the next 2- 4 years I will have to contend with the fact that I will have a little barracuda latched onto me some 3 hours of the day off and on which will leave me as a sitting duck. Even if I chase after them and subject their sibling to milkshakes, it is sure to slow me down.

My solution to this problem is simple. If I barricade the doorway and put 5 point harnesses at their seats at the table, I can strap them in and their food can only get as far away as they can throw it. It might sound a little restrictive, but I figure it is much, much more humane than sitting on them, and they will most certainly be able to eat their food easier this way. I would of course not leave them unattended since I not only have safety to take into account but the fact that if they use this system on such a more regular basis they may learn to escape from it if left to their own wiles and then I couldn't drive with them anywhere either.

Please let me know how soon I could get these parts and what the cost may be.

Sincerely, Shellie Espinoza

FAMILY HEIRLOOMS

EXHIBIT A : PROOF THAT GUARDIAN ANGELS REALLY DO EXIST

We still own this knife, mutilated in September 2003, to hand down to our posterity. It commemorates son Gigio's first day of Kindergarten. For those who didn't get my e-mails back then, it went something like this...

We came home from school to find Enigma with the babies covered in joint compound; Papi had just fixed a hole in the wall in my room before he left and while Enigma was trying to get the kids next door to quit ringing our doorbell, the babies attacked it. So I set out to clean up the babies, then everywhere they had slimed, then their clothes and lastly to try to fix the hole again. I didn’t do as good a job as Papi, but while everyone attacked me again I did my best and all that only took about 2 hours. After initially displacing his aggression on everyone in the house over his first day of school and threatening to pack up and leave us, Gigio settled down. Then while I fed the babies, Carino the gypsy flew the coop again. A kind neighbor called us and then came behind him with his trike which he had left behind. Finally I got the babies to sleep and got to work on dinner after several interruptions from the remaining 3 kids, so by the time the babies woke and started wailing I was almost done. Then finally they left the kitchen and quieted. I was wondering what had captivated their interest when Thing 1 showed up in the kitchen “talking” and gesturing towards my room, obviously accusing his brother, whom I found eating the patch job off the wall; Enigma left the door open to my room again. SO we cleaned up and got to the table, and after making sure there was nothing toxic in the drywall, I got them to eat real food while I got more practice at patching walls. Then after dinner the boys went downstairs to “play” while I supervised my eldest in her reading, and after 15 minutes of that agony, Carino shows up with a spikey hairdo that smelled fruity, something like some go-gurt we had on hand. Soon after Gigio followed and confirmed that it was indeed yogurt, so after getting both Gigio and Enigma to read, I gave Carino and the babies ANOTHER bath. Then when I sent Carino down to bed, he says he can’t, there’s yogurt on his bed. Silly me, why did I think it was all on his head?? Wishful thinking?? Then I saw the room, which looked like someone had blown up a balloon filled with yogurt in there, it was splashed all over everything. Then as my alter ego, the witchy mom took over and bawled them out, the angel on my shoulder reminded me I didn’t want to really strangle them; should I break down and cry? No, that’s what Gigio wants, to get me back for being so mean, at least that’s his excuse for his messes lately. As I’m yelling and contemplating what to do about this, I notice the night light, with not only yogurt but a black charred looking area around it. Next Enigma came to see what the hullaballoo was all about, all the while secretly hoping I would switch over to the dark side and eliminate her brothers. I start telling her that they must have gotten yogurt between the outlet and the light, and from the looks of things set off a flame, which Gigio refuted, saying they were just sparks at which point I decide to start lecturing on the properties of electricity. That's when Thing 2 walks up with Exhibit A in his hand. All I can say is I thank the Lord above that I still have a house and live children. For some strange reason, the boys had gotten the idea to stick the knife between the socket and the night light. Maybe to clean up the yogurt? I start telling them they could have been electrocuted. Gigio says, "No, Mom, it didn't, it just went, BZZZZZZ! (shaking hand motion with this)" So there you have it. I believe it is impossible to really hurt yourself with 110 volts. Good thing we're in the USA! The boys got grounded from the basement for 2 days and had to sleep with blankets on the hard floor upstairs. They also got grounded from yogurt until they are old enough to buy it themselves.

P.S. the sequel is here now...